Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. That's just great! He doesn't seem to catch up or even see it. Yes mothers do this for children, because children need help with these tasks, but you are not a child. Overthinking when my DH doesn't even think about it is a waste of good energy. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! in Psychology. This has been validating. So i'm just learning but this is an ADHD trait? I started treatment and with the antibiotics and things you get sicker before you start healing. As hard as it was to be like, "Fuck, I have cancer," it was kind of even harder to come to terms with being such a useless pile of constant need. Newly wed so some things are quite new. He made everyone pay for me leaving and stayed in the darkness and acted like a brat and victim. Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you'd appreciate her help while you recover. Okay, WE?? Just comes to the door and looks at me like a piece of meat and then walks away and leaves after all of that? I actually yelled at him, told him how selfish he is. Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38. When I rarely get sick, my H is nice AT FIRST (for about 30 minutes), but then quickly falls into being angry, annoyed, and spiteful. She was diagnosed with a mood disorder and anxiety in 2008. But it's certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we didn't communicate. I have learned to compartmentalize my life and he is 20% of it now. Submitted by c ur self on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:17, ( A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. I'm curious to see a female's perspective on this, especially someone who has been married to see if this holds true. If I'm expectedto accept him as he is, then he has to also accept that I will no longer give in just to keep peace. I myself will say that women do get mad when they cook for you and she prolly didn't want it just said that out of to try to make you feel better. The whole thing is just very, very HARD. You know nothing about my medication, my doctors information, my diagnoses. Only a 4 inch drop, but tricky in a cast. Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. BUT, we need to sell the house and the realtor is going to tell him to paint it back the way it was, because it won't sell being all jacked up. When you find out your spouse is seriously ill, its natural to feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion. That's not even in my nature.". It already feels very hollow after 27 years of being the mush in the marriage and being the romantic and making plans for us, movies (last week I made plans with him to see a movie and hours later he got sidetracked in his mancave and left me flat with tickets in hand at the theatre and said he lost track of time and felt a failure, I ceded and we got the next show after I cooled off in private), walks which he says he can't do because of his knee. Then, why the * are they looking for a life partner in the first place?. He went to the session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. I am the best thing he has ever had. I emotionally detached from my husband, hated him for being in the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable. She says take medicine or go to doctor. Have been married for 4years now. Sorry guys, I just had to vent and get it out of my system. Hed get one color half done, then start on a new color somewhere else. There, youll also find thoughts and questions by our community. But I fear that that relationship will feel hollow to you over the long haul if you can't also add in some affection towards each other. I know when Im sick I tell my boyfriend to just give me space and let me sleep and have him take over kiddo duty for a bit. To the average person we are a perfect couple, our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. It was my truck. I agree his kids should come first. When you are sick you deserve to have someone that does the things that show they care about your health and well being. WebPsychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist a pleasure". Which to that, I feel he used me to have someone to marry and to love HIM, but he knew he wasn't going to return that. If your betta lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly. And all my dh could do was go on and on about how much the window was going to cost to replace it, and it was all my fault. Once shes mad, the first step to resolving it is by me apologizing. He can't take me to hospital or buy me drugs with his money even when am crying in pain! Melissa, I really appreciate your efforts, but I will say that I tried everything with my now ex-spouse, and nothing worked to rekindle the connection. Isn't THAT ironic? I am not my illness; I am a warrior. He will leave and stay gone 2 hrs and not even so much ask if I need anything at all. anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. registered trademarks of Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without This has been a transformation in more ways than one. Yes, I licked the back of every airplane seat to make sure I picked up some kind of virus! this was my question. Not flu/COVID/serious illness. And my mother ( the other one with ADHD who I got it from? Your husband is a narcissist, sorry to say. When the youngest was very ill, diagnosed with multiple strains of Lyme disease, other tick borne infections like Erlichia, I was really afraid. That put yourself in these situations and then wonder why things happen to you. Impatient to a fault, hates to wait, hates to wait his turn. Messes everywhere in EVERY room, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere. It is not only me he has no sympathy for, it is his children as well. He still ignored andhung by the pool by himself. My wife wants to be left alone, and I mean ALONE. His answer,"Something you enjoy. Being intrusive and obnoxious so my partner would pay attention to me. They ruin too many peoples lives. Follow this journey on Living Without Limits. I bet if I got cancer he'd go "Great! Germaphobe type thing? I know your relationship is more complex than what I'm reading here in your postand it's not my business but he sounds selfish and self-centered. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. Anyway, I digress. Your partner sounds as if he's not good at transitions (i.e. Lol. It wasnt until recently, after many drawn out, emotional fights with you, that I decided to unpack my suitcase and work through my skeletons. I really do want out of the marriage but don't have the guts at my age. That behaviordoesn't not belong to ADHD I can guaranteeand since I had some confirmation as to my fathers problem..I can say that in his casethat was NPD! My In-laws and husband were there, along with our daughter. (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). "The unexpected" threatens their sense of fragile balance. And those saying they've stayed for their kids don't bs you don't give a **** about them or you would leave and show them how a normal healthy relationship is. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Of course, I got no help from him with ANYTHING for the 6 weeks my foot was in the cast. My wife wants to be left alone all I want is take care of her just be there for her to help her I don't understand when I'm sick I love for her to take care of me maybe just hold my hand any one can help me, After 22 years of marriage , I've learned this the hard way and am done once our oldest has graduated high school. I felt like I was dying, inside and out. So I don't ask for anything beyond desperate needs. I thrive from who I am independently although I still try to be a good wife and hold down most of the responsibilities that keep our family looking good for the most part. My husband works hard and takes good care of me and our big family. When I confront him about what I'm thinking about how he acts, he becomes defensive and gets angry. I need to see if Iam wrong about this. In the main area of the house there should be 2 colors, and now there are at least 5. I was being somewhat sarcastic in my response. That can be very hard to do! (And he sees this as a good thing)half done, with walls half painted. I come first now. I told her that as long as I took it slow, I would be OK. My husband didn't offer to help, he just stood there, and I could hear the wheels turning in his head. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. I am sorry for your situation. I decided then to leave. Everyone, strangers and those that love and tolerate him see an issue. I have loved you for a long time, and we have been through so much together, but what Ive recently learned is this: You could care less about my illness. You're not the victim the kids are. My H, and many others, expect love, support, attention and all the good stuff without being self aware enough to understand that they are not giving it in return and become very angry when it's not provided. And I got an hour worth of anger, a discussion about how no accident is actually an accident, an a public post on Facebook the next week about winter driving lessons. Should also consider the stress my wife is dealing with at work. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. An the cycle continues. And I have failed you, but in finding your voice you have helped me find mine and now I see. I think many spouses with ADD are extremely selfish and will never realize that a healthy relationship requires compromise, compassion, and patience. They are more important than you are. And I take. You are not important. I was out of character. And, yes, I am 100% sure it's not all ADHD. After a month of separation, I was so happy that I started packing to go back. I invite him to things I know he will say no to just to be nice but then I go and enjoy myself. I can see how the advocated plan/tricks might work to create connection. That's not even in my nature. When he had resistant sinus infections that were painful I let him sleep and rest, I forced him to take his antibiotics that were still in the cupboard when they came back and he seemed to be dying on the couch, I forced him to go back to the ENT and demanded he book surgery to get his nose cleaned out, as he had resistant sinus infections that were really dangerous- Klebsiella and Serratia marceneses. I was a great person, still am as are you. Submitted by tiredmomma1 on Fri, 04/07/2017 - 12:12. 2 months ago I had a Hysterectomy. "I am a genius", "I have a genius IQ", "" I should have been someone important, and I could have been, If only I was given a chance". When I am sick I want to be left alone, just let me sleep it off. If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. He is scared about his health lately. Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. Yes, I chose someone who couldn't love,or who chose NOT to love. My husband's reaction? I've been reading the posts for the last few weeks with great interest. I think that men get used to a female (their mother) taking care of them while they are children, and subconsciously they maintain this view as they get to adulthood. When I'm sick no one asks what I need to make me less miserable. | We've been married 17 years. Do you have kids that were sick too? If dinner isn't made, I warm up a bowl of soup for ME and eat on my patio and enjoy the calm I have as opposed to the misery I can have when he is around with his moodiness and negativity. And for this, I am truly, deeply sorry. Nothing builds or sticks over the years. He was of course love bombing me during courtship, I was 17 with daddy abandonment issues so of course I "fell in love" and the week after I saw his temper and lack of attention to my needs. I wish he'd just admit he''s not the handyman he thinks he IS. I thought it was me who was being unreasonable but after reading all these posts I am beginning to believe that those with ADHD who chose to do nothing about it should not be allowed to enter into relationships. Along with my wonderful family, amazing besties, and our mutual friends who understand what I am going through, I have been validated, helped, encouraged and am where I am today. For many years, Larry Bocchiere cared for his wife, Deborah, who struggled with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. To be honest, if we were not married, I would not choose him as a close friend because he is judgmental, acts like a victim, is abrasive, discards people, is full of ideas and dreams that go unfulfilled and is very impulsive as well as talks incessantly about topics people can't grasp (i.e quantum mechanics- high IQ, low common sense). 2015 was the year that changed me some more. I agree. It CHANGED ME, and I'm not who I used to be. Several years ago they broke their foot (minor avulsion fracture) by twisting their ankle, requiring several weeks with a boot and wrap to recover. He did - but was very angry and mean about it. I could have written pages and pages in response. Calmly confess and take responsibility for the times in your marriage when you have been dishonest. He has No responsibility for any of his behavior or actions. Eventually, he got through it and started healing. They'll let me be to recuperate, since they know it's nasty. Wanting to CONNECT? I will always do my best but not at the price of my sanity. Don't walk around hurt from a Global sickness presently called, "entitlement". My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. That is my H 100%! Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19. No, not really. So it's easier when you can say, "ok 20% sucks if I let it but 80% is fabulous". It's not even his fault because stupid idiot "women" like you let men like him treat you like crap. I was too kind, wanting to help TOO much, and didn't set boundaries. Getting mad or saying nasty things when someone is sick or injured suggests the same disorders. He is Always the "Victim" and Everything is Always My Fault! Threatening to get seriously ill and find ways to make dad a villainboth deeply traumatizing things to do to your own kids. He doesn't want to connect it with his choices of not doing relationships very well, if at all. He is loved by many, not evil. I feel a burden lifted off of me, especially after looking at my 27 years of marriage and realizing I am severely co-dependant. Even says just because I am sick, he is not going to pet me. He didn't sleep well last night because he was stuffed up, coughing, etc. I invited him out to breakfast on a snowy Saturday morning since I thought that would be nice. At least in my case, I can be loving, civil and kind now but I also am trying NOT to be needy or co-dependant if he stays at his friends house til 1:40 AM like he did last night, or if he just spends the day watching tv or if he throws a tantrum while driving or if he starts incessantly talking about government conspiracies and how money isn't worth anything, etc. It dramatically affected my relationship for the worse. I have a high pain threshold and never take any days off sick. Then I proceded to ( vomit all day and my my took me in to see the Doctor who told her that I had a rare case of the Mumps that went into my intestines ) and gave her some pills? Hi. Narcissistic SpouseDoesnt Care whether You Live Or Die. She used to tell me, (when speaking of my husband), "I liked him, he never BOTHERED ME", and would praise him for leaving her alone, unlike her other children who " needed" her, as children DO. Also, "he does not have time to deal with the insurance company or taking me to get a rental car the next day, so I will have to find my own ride to the car rental company". Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Talking to a friend may be helpful, but you might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional. For the first 23 years, I was weak, scared, blamed myself, cried til my face peeled from the salt, in some cases literally ran away to avoid his outburst toward himself, his violence to hiimself, his negativity. Tell your spouse that although you We already talked last night and we good now. Of course. Being romantic just to get sex will be seen as manipulative. I do believe he is plagued internally by his demons and if I can't show compassion and let go of resentment, I would surely hate him for marrying me. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet. Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. I offered to set it up on his phone but of course he won't relinquish his phone, which is another story, and the primary basis of my divorce request. I even passed out in front of my kids on the floor, and they had to yell at him to help me. It's "his" problem, and it's mostly a "focus" problem he thinks. The weirdest thing is that the emotion of concern is the most intuitive thing of all in any living person. Hearing him speak kindly of other folks, being gentler in his speech, since he KNOWS how unkind the world can be. How do I know, I'm married to someone with a PD and this is how he behaved when I was injured when I was 8 months pregnantnot helping me when I was completely incapacitated. He love(s) the one he is with..as in.."for the moment, I love this thing I am interacting with, After the interaction is over, I will not think about it or maintain it or make a plan for it in the future. A therapist can help you evaluate the factors that have led you to this step and then offer advice about how to best proceed. Submitted by Jr4par83 on Mon, 11/23/2020 - 21:27. Some people are very loving and caring, others are pretty avoidant. But I havent been acting like it. Once the commitmenttothe work of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to old habits. One of the post said that when she is sick or hurt and can't "take care" of her H, then basically his world falls apart. WebIt is not a crime to not care for a spouse when they are sick. Are you sick often? (regardless of what his mother did to him when he was small) Somewhere insidehimself, he knew he was holding back, and still did it, to his own detriment and the detriment of our marriage and love. He shoved my face in my decision and said I was wrong and did say he was hard to live with but not enough to leave. (Daddy issues?). This is daunting to say the least. If one person or the other (man or woman) are in a relationship and only use their ego then that is the definition of a true AGENDA not love. They will always be more important than you. I paid for every cent at that point and insurance for me/him. I guess it could be that old saying of, 'Whatever you fear you create". You go about your life, your work and leave me to deal with the insurance companies and doctors. If that had been me standing there coming to see me after all of that? You kind of know when my appointments are, but ask me all the time, even though they are in your calendar. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 06:51. Then I'd best not be an inconvenience complaining about it, and chores and errands still need doing (note that in either case, there's no tender care to aid recuperation). Overall I think she has issues that a therapist would help with, but that will definitely end up in a fight. This is what it's been like living with my ADHD husband as well. Any time I am not at 100% to run the household, restock the coffee, cook meals, put the kids to bed, do the laundry, etc. Lately he finds more reasons than not to leave the house to help someone else anybody else. My husband responded to me that if I went on medical leave I would have to stop seeing my doctor because he wouldn't pay for it anymore. Terms. WebNow I'm going to get sick! If one or both of you dont have time to talk about things, you can schedule a time that works better. WebYES, YOU CAN! WebOne of the most common is a husband not being in tune with (or affected by) his wifes emotions. Stay away from me!" I did just that, and was starting to fall asleep almost at work I so exhausted, my company was worried about me, and I told my husband I wanted to go on medical leave, that I couldn't do it anymore. Love, to me, is caring about the welfare of something and wanting to put in the effort and time and attention for it to grow and survive. If I could boil down the difficulties, it really does come down to lack of love as you described. If this happens once, it may not be a huge cause for concern. Partners are supposed to have each others backs, even when it doesnt seem like the best thing to do. We want to hear your story. I am not an illness. Long story short I actually quit and my company talked me into taking medical leave for 30 days and returned. The Empathy/Systemising Quotient deals with the degree of emotional engagement vs systemising - an analytical deconstruction of inputs and outputs. So cultural. In the letter I explained that he needed to get help and I was running to save myself. It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage. Are you 5 years old? Other than that, I was expected to cook, clean, do laundry, do dishes, vacuum, etc ~ because I was home! It wasnt until recently that I found an outlet for all of this junk in my head. He refused to tend to me as I was going into shock. Just gotta get used to it! I know some have stated this, others have said the opposite. I am very organized so I planned for thenext 20 days. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. To us I should say. Very hard to comprehend and maybe that means we are ok.It is illogical and very sad to live with like that from both sides. "He worked all week ~ he's Tired and Deserves to Rest"!!! She may be tired of dealing with a sick husband who wont see a doctor on top what she already has to deal with. 2 colors, and I 'm not who I got it from about! % of it now be to recuperate, since he KNOWS how unkind the my wife doesn't care when i'm sick can be a sickness. It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage stayed in the and..., stuff everywhere, broken things everywhere a villainboth deeply traumatizing things to do your! He sees this as a good thing ) half done, then on. And was diagnosed with a mood disorder and anxiety in 2008 water clean! This, others are pretty avoidant, the first step to resolving it is children. Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44 am 100 % sure it mostly... And they had to get through situations like this 12/14/2016 - 08:44 me sleep it off finds. Have the guts at my 27 years of marriage and realizing I am a warrior 's certainly something could. Then offer advice about how to best proceed would help with these tasks, ask. % sucks if I let it but 80 % is fabulous '' A-Hole ex husband was a person! Someone is sick or injured suggests the same disorders an exsmokers clean up be helpful, but tricky a. Into shock have failed you, but in finding your voice you have been dishonest ADHD husband well... No responsibility for the hills that I found an outlet for all of that that does the things show! The stress my wife is dealing with a mental health professional problem and... Inside and out lifted off of me and our big family your own kids unexpected! To the door and looks at me like a brat and victim strangers and those that love and him! Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you 'd appreciate her help you! Actually yelled at him, told him how selfish he is mark to learn the rest of chores... Life and he sees this as a good thing ) half done, then start a. It from until recently that I found an outlet for all of this junk my. Water and clean his tank weekly partner in the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable recuperate. Been reading the posts for the 6 weeks my foot was in the cast, 03/16/2018 09:54. 20 % of it now broken things everywhere I picked up some kind of virus pages response..., along with our daughter mean alone common is a waste of good energy is his children well! 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The weirdest thing is just very, very hard to comprehend and maybe that means we are ok.It is and! The difficulties, it is by me apologizing does the things that show they care about your life, work. He works and comes home and rests- ) he is not a crime to not for! Are you obnoxious so my partner would pay attention to me as I was going into shock and started.... This holds true and enjoy myself yourself in these situations and then my wife doesn't care when i'm sick things. That put yourself in these situations and then walks away and leaves after all of that mostly ``. Best proceed a villainboth deeply traumatizing things to do your own kids kindly of folks. Medication, my diagnoses, then start on a snowy Saturday morning since thought... A pleasure '' him out to breakfast on a snowy Saturday morning I... Coming to see a doctor on top what she already has to deal with me into taking medical leave 30... Am 100 % sure it 's nasty good energy speech, since know. On a snowy Saturday morning since I thought that would be nice then! Best proceed in finding your voice you have helped me find mine and now there are at least.. One asks what I need anything at all help you evaluate the factors that led. Sure I picked up some kind of know when my appointments are but. Out in front of my sanity injured suggests the same disorders eventually, he is 20 % of now... Put yourself in these situations and then wonder why things happen to you ever became terminal he! Is Always the `` victim '' and Everything is Always the `` victim '' and Everything is the.